In our Wounded Heart class, we were asked to write a letter to the one(s) that hurt us. When I sat down and put the pen to the paper, nothing came out. I realized this was going to be harder than I thought and I procrastinated for another week. At one point, I asked God in exasperation, “Are we there yet?!”
Were you that KID that sat in the back seat on road trips asking continually, “Are we there yet?”
(Raising my hand). I’m guilty. In fact, I’m that kid that caused her parents to lose their patience. But I WAS genuinely eager to get THERE (wherever THERE was…). And the longer it took, the more impatient I became.
25 years later, I feel like that impatient child all over again. Except this time, my journey is hard and the destination I’m looking forward to is HEALING and WHOLENESS. I want to be there NOW. I want to arrive as quickly and painlessly as possible. The harder the step of my journey, the darker it gets, the more I ask in anxiety, “Are we there yet? How about now? NOW? NOOOOWWW?!!!!”
(Sigh). I am sure glad God is patient. My parents would have snapped by now. LOL. God…on the other hand, just waits until I tire myself out and have no choice to but to trust where He is driving me, however long it takes to get there. My challenge is letting the anticipation of the arrival outweigh the anxiety of the journey.
So…my pen hit the paper. I completed a letter. And Holy Spirit asked me to do it AGAIN.
When I asked why, He pointed out that to get through the letter, I completely detached myself. I edited myself for some unknown reason, not being true or honest at all. So, I did it AGAIN. And last night, I had to READ it… O U T L O U D.
It was harder than I expected. I reached a section of the letter and felt like the words kicked me in the gut. I lost my breath, felt sick to my stomach and started crying uncontrollably. The ladies gave me great comfort and got me through the rest of the letter. And when I was finished…I felt… relief.
I’ve been saying it all along that a journey into the painful parts of our lives seems contradictory to healing but it is the way God has been leading. (I wonder if I was saying because I was trying to convince myself). Turns out, a paradox to us is the right-side up with Him. And He was right. It is the way to healing. I crossed into a dark place last night…and came out the other side, better. An unseen weight was lifted. I felt released. The tears cleansed me.
This morning, I was compelled to look back at the section of the letter that gave me trouble. I wrote:
You know what…I’m glad I scratched your car…even if it was in my own ignorance at the time. Why I would ever want to help you by cleaning it for you, is beyond my comprehension. I wonder if it was an unconscious act? A cry from within that I wanted to hurt what was most valuable to you because you were hurting what was most valuable to me? I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wished you to suffer…at least a little. That wasn’t the case until recently, you know. I never directed my anger at you…until now. I directed it at myself. You crafty devil! It looked like I was pointing the knife at myself when in fact, you were turning it for me. I’m now sure that was part of your plan, unknown to even you. You were a conduit for Evil himself, and his greatest ploy is to get us to self-destruct. You caused me to desire death over the pain of self-hate and the despair of the betrayal.
Those last words triggered the water works. I realized even though I have been able to share the details of my abuse, I have never shared how I FELT about it or what it did to me. This is a whole new layer in my soul, previously untouched and unexplored by the Light.
You know what that means?…I’m growing!!! LOL. Woo hooooo!!!
I hear healing comes in layers. That’s what they tell me. That’s what I tell others. But sometimes…I just want to be there. Don’t you?
Other times, I realize that we can’t undo 25 years of life in 1 week or even 3 months. And I’m actually grateful we can’t. I suspect it would destroy us to do that much in such a short time. So I thanked God for my tears last night. I thanked Him for the journey.
If you are on a journey too and wondering when you will “arrive”, take heart, your breakthrough WILL come. God will encourage you too. Keep going where He leads. He is in control the whole way. He will NOT drive you into danger.
So if you find yourself asking, “Are we there yet?” let it be out of jest and excitement. Look around. Love the learning. Love how God walks us through the adventure of each journey in His special, gentle, patient, loving way.
God Bless you.