I just wanna poke an eye out

Confession Time!  I’m having a hard time letting go.

Recently, someone I trusted to as a friend (like family), to be there to support me and encourage me, conveyed to me that our relationship was not as important to them and possibly conditional.  I felt vulnerable, used and rejected.  Two weeks later, I STILL feel vulnerable, used and rejected.

 The “Christian” thing to do is let it go, right?  To consider your faults and take the plank out of your eye instead of focusing on the toothpick in your brother/sister’s eye.  So, I do what I know to do: each time I feel the “sting” rise up in me, I declare that I forgive them. I’m choosing, as an act of will, not to hold it against them or take revenge and then I bless them.  And for a time, the weight of anger and hurt is lifted.

But, I wake up in the morning and see a text or an email or a name and I just wanna poke an eye out or knock some sense into them with the “plank” in my eye.

Then I feel bad and ask God to forgive me for being so violent.  And the cycle begins again: a day to day cycle of hurting, forgiving, blessing, hurting again, forgiving again, blessing again.

 If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, then I MUST be insane!  I hope one day I wake up and the cycle stops and that my heart will believe what I’m telling it to believe.

 Recently, a dear friend of mine came back from an out-of-country trip. She asked me how I was doing with the situation and I wanted to responded, “Eh” followed by a Sylvester-the-Cat raspberry.  I immediately recognized my own childish response but conveyed to her that I just don’t know how to let that hurt be healed.

She told me that her trip gave her a bigger and eternal perspective: reminded her of what’s truly important in life. Without needing to say the words, I knew exactly what she was implying and I thought of the word “relationships” and the phrase “don’t sweat the small stuff.”  I immediately pictured my next few days as my last days on earth: how would I handle it? What would I say to those I love? Would certain things matter?

I agreed with her in one of those ESP moments (that women’s completely GET…sorry guys. Lol) but here I am, the VERY next day, experiencing the anger and hurt  that seems to creep up without my permission.

 What do you do when you WANT to do the right thing, but find yourself falling short?

What do you do when your head and heart do not line up and your heart seems to continual disrupt and betray you?  And for goodness sake…what do you do when you’ve done everything you know to do and it’s STILL an issue?

I don’t know. I don’t have the answer for this one. I wish I had a formula: step 1, 2, 3 for us all! I don’t.

But….wait…

I do have HOPE in Him who promises to help the helpless and the weak. When I don’t have the answers and can’t seem to do it on my own, I feel helpless and weak.  But what if that’s what God needs before He can do the healing?  It’s time to stop trying to force it and simply cry it out in the lap of Jesus. I’ll invite Him in to completely touch the pain, which I’m sure will equal tears. I’ll admit my helplessness and feelings of powerlessness and admit that I can’t do anything else but come to Him. 

I’ll wait on Him and Him alone to comfort me, teach me and maybe even transform me.

-Ang

  “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison, then waiting for your enemy to die.”

 –Anonymous

Advertisements

One thought on “I just wanna poke an eye out

Comments are closed.